Who among us hasn’t found relief from a bad breakup, the lost job, or even the loss of someone close, by lifting weights? Who among us hasn’t mentally transmitted his troubles into a heavy weight and just torn that mother up in a sweaty effort to exercise and exorcise that demon? Who among us hasn’t felt the blood surging through our muscles, followed by an intense cramping pain that’s both excruciating and cathartic at the same time? You can have your soothing wind chimes, I’ll take the beautiful sound of clanging dumbbells any day. In fact, you can shove your Prozac, your Xanax, your meditation, your Dr. Phil, the equally sophomoric Secret, your comfort food, and your whining. Instead, take this pill, the one that weighs 45 pounds and is made of solid iron. It won’t sedate you and it definitely won’t deaden your feelings, but it’ll flatten that thing gnawing on your soul.

Got soul sickness? Got downright despair? Got run-of-the-mill blues? Strap on the headphones, turn up the volume, and grip, rip, and hoist. Feel the satisfaction of moving things that to most are unmovable. Shake the sweat off your head and brow and baptize all those damn unbelievers with your own holy water.